11 Punchable Financial Crimes According to Me

I believe most people are good by their default switch.

Although I cannot argue the validity of that in particular, it is a subgenre of philosophy that people much smarter than me argued over for centuries. So take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Scientific research has demonstrated that modern primates tend to be altruistic in nature without reason or cause. Their conclusion to altruistic behavior ranges from feeling good about doing something good to another benefit of altruistic behavior which is an evolutionary advantage.

We are sociable creatures so we need to be altruistic.

Because…like…who wants to be friends with a dirtbag ape, amirite?

But the world gets more complicated when you throw money and power into the mix.

Are humans by default good? Yes. I believe so.

When money comes in, it’s a bit more gray. Like non-fiduciary advisors but…they have their families to feed, right? And they can feed their children by selling you overpriced financial services! ?

But this is not one of those morally confusing posts.

This is a collection of things I legitimately think anyone should get a punch in the face for doing – after being proven guilty.

(Don’t want to go around falsely punching people.)

Oh and not to braggggg…but I haven’t done a single punchable offense in this entire list! Good girl!

(Forget the fact that I wrote this list so, haha, I might be biased.)

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1. Owing friends money but still frivolously spending instead of paying your dues.

I HATE THIS. UGH. PET PEEVE x1000.

I’m very, super sure this has happened to most of us. That’s how common it occurs! Isn’t that sad? It’s one thing if they are in a financial pinch (Soaps, if you’re reading, this isn’t about you so don’t worry.)

But I’m talking about someone who has the means to pay you back, right now, today…but doesn’t.

Dick move!

I’m talking about that someone from high school that I hate to this day.

What neurological backflips are you DOING in your head that makes you think borrowing money from a nice (and economically poorer) friend then deciding to simply not pay it back is OK? Are you serious?

You know what I should do…I should send a small message to your fiancé on Facebook and throw to them that one memory of you they will never be able to remove from their memory bank. “The person I will spend my life took money from a person and deliberately lied about it? Hm…maybe I do need that prenup…”

2. “I’ll pay you back next time” AKA – excessive mooching.

Truth be told, I find mooching amusing if it’s like a meal or coffee every once in a while. If I happen to be economically better off and my friend needed to “mooch” a few bucks because their money could better go towards making ends meet, paying rent, or paying student loans then they can “mooch” off me.

For example, I am totally OK with picking up the tab at the cafe, especially if they decided to take time out of their life and converse with me:

“Thanks for your time and conversation, buddy. You don’t owe me nada. Forget about it.”

Plus, I get to feel like a nice person altruistic monkey Lily. I don’t consider that mooching. That’s called spoiling your friend as long as they don’t start “forgetting” their wallets every single time.

Unfortunately, most of the mooching cases are people who are just generally irresponsible with their money and think they can take advantage of you.

Pretty much every single time someone says “I’ll pay you back next time” and then doesn’t is

A. Not your friend.

B. Never was a friend.

C. A loser with the introspection of a donut.

D. All of the above. Punchable.

3. Hiding money from spouse and family in order to spend it on yourself.

(Just curious…when you read that…did you picture a man…or a woman?)

I pictured a man. I pictured…Nicolas Cage.

I don’t know if that was sexist. I didn’t mean it to be. It could be that my husband makes the lion share of the money in our marriage so I probably wouldn’t even notice if he dipped his hand into the till.

When you are single, it’s all you boo. But if you combined your life with another person and swore to uphold them but instead go off and hide a $5,000 bonus for the down payment on a boat…you get punched.

Hiding an adequate amount of moolah from your loved ones for selfish guilty pleasures is only something I’ve seen in fiction. I would say this never happened to me but…I’m not actually sure now am I…

Fun fact: Remember the 10% stock market correction we had earlier this Feburary? My husband DID take a few thousand (or was it $10,000) from our emergency fund and dropped it in without telling me. He told me a day after he did it. Hubby had that “she might find out so I’ll just tell her for confession points” look on his face. He spent it at the Vanguard ‘casino’ (hahaha #jokes.)

So yeah, on rarer occasions, it’s not that bad or a moral gray area. Like the story from J. Money about this wife who was hiding extra savings from her spouse. Sounds like a responsible spouse to have! This was extra money hidden and saved.

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4. Hiding debt from significant other and keeping them in the dark.

This is just as bad as #3 and a little bit sadder. I could write an abject post about the type of debt that can prevent you from being loved (a basic human right in my opinion) but it would depress everybody.

So I choose anger:

Sam is an irresponsible drunkard. He has $20,000 of gambling debt and owes $58,000 in back taxes from a failing restaurant. He believes taxpayers like you and me should pick up his tab. Does he tell the woman he is about to marry about the debt? Nooooooooooo. Instead, he goes to have more kids with the new chick on top of the 3 broken down kids he has and ignores completely. Sam suckssssss.

The end.

5. Intentionally marrying and leaving your spouse saddled with your debt as you get away clean.

This happens! There are some horror stories out there, from the countless of hours I stalk the great Interwebs.

MOST OF THE TIME, IT’S SAD and less angry.

I don’t know the legal specifics but I know that when a person gets married, both parties would have to some combine their finances to some degree. The party with heavy debt can saddle (intentionally or accidentally) the debt-free spouse with their debt.

I’m talking about student loan debt right now. Private education loans are not dischargeable after death. Loan sharks can go to the next of kin be it parents or spouses to get their money.

That was the reason why Brodie was so depressed. It was not only the huge law school debt he was carrying but it was the fact that this debt will become a burden to his parents and someday life partner if he is not careful. Of course, he shouldn’t be punched. He would never do that.

But some people would and have done this intentionally.

Usually, one spouse isn’t financially aware you can inherit debt. Look, when you marry someone, unless you are being deliberate and extra careful – your finances will be combined together on paper. So often, the innocent spouse sign into co-owning the debt. When the original debt holder divorces and can’t or refuses to make payments, the loan sharks go to the innocent yet unaware spouse for the coins because yes – yes – yes – they really really owe that mess now too.

6. Ducking bills for work done because you feel like it (or tell yourself the work stinks.)

Ah, the stuff that makes up most of small claims court. This gets ugly really quickly among contractors who are responsible for making their own invoices and waiting for payment. It also happens to landlords.

Most commonly, it happens with dine and dashes.

I use to host at a bar. Once a couple (Sir neckbeard and Madame lip rings) were eating and drinking at the bar. I was across the room and saw from my periphery of those two getting up and dashing out of the bar. The manager and other patrons were much closer than I was and saw it.

The restaurant patrons thought it was amusing. My manager was mad (but not mad enough to chase them). I was…I was thinking about why people would need to dine and dash. Please tell me it was for thrills or the food was bad (which it wasn’t). Or were they that poor (yet still entitled) to afford a good meal?

I rather be angry than sad so I’ll go with the “they’re just dicks.”

Punchaaaable.

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7. Intentionally leaving your cosigner’s to burn for your student loans.

I seem to be bringing up student loans a lot.

(Because they’re the CRAPPIEST debt you can ever HAVE.)

Unlike every single other debt that can be discharged in bankruptcy…student loans are non-dischargeable. Because you can’t really return your education so…

(Do those people who declare bankruptcy have to give back the 56 inch LED TVs they bought on credit or the vomit back up the food they ate in Vegas…?)

For 20-year-olds with zero life experience, many of them turn to their parents to co-sign for their student loans. The great thing is that vast majority of students would never drop the ball and drown their parents financially. Awesome!!!

BUT…it does happen. I know one story but I’m tired of name dropping stories…I’m just saying it happens in combination with #1, owing friends money but still frivolously spending instead of paying dues.

Some immature 20-year-olds grow up to be immature 25-year-olds and all they want to do is par-tay!!@@!@1 (FOMO, YOLO, Diplo…all that stuff.) So the guy spends all his earnings, end up in a bad financial position and automatically leaves his parents to clean up the student loan mess he should have paid back. The parents do OK but it will stretch them financially.

Punchable.

8. Thinking your parent’s money is yours and get an inheritance despite buffoonery behaviors.

No need to explain it. We have all seen it. It’s the Paris Hilton syndrome.

I can’t say I would be much different myself…I can be a brat, ask my husband, but getting older has taken better care of that.

For people out there who like me…why.

LOL just kidding!

So since I’m an only child (born under China’s One Child Policy, woo #madeit) anything my parents have will automatically go to me.

(Except they don’t have anything and we’ll end up taking care of them.)

BUT if they did have money, it’s mine. It’s mine. I’m a brat. But I’m their only blood so it’s totally mineeeeeeeeeeee.

Too bad they have nothing – ha! So technically I’m still a good girl!

9. Any form of scamming and preying on the helpless.

Example: calling elderly and gullible seniors pretending to be the IRS for their personal information.

Last week I got a call from the IRS. Apparently, the IRS sounds like an angry, coughing Russian man…on the last of his dime with a $2 voice recorder. He told me not to hang up because the call was regarding my social security–

I hung up.

LEAVE OLD PEOPLE ALONE.

They could bad mouth you to God when they reach Heaven…which would be soon because they’re older so yeah.

Another form of this includes having friends trying to recruit you into their pyramid scheme based around diet acai berries or overpriced saran wraps. Ugh, “the friend” I’m still mad that they would think I’m that financially gullible to sign up for Amway.

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10. Negatively judging others when they’re trying to improve their situation.

We all judge people. That’s A-OK. But I try my best to not to judge people when they are trying hard to correct themselves. Everyone deserves a second shot at a clean slate.

If you’re kicking someone down who is trying to better themselves…you’re punchable.

11. Taking debt in your loved one’s name / mismanaging your children’s finances.

Opening a credit card for personal gains in your child’s name is the number one ‘dick move’ according to my husband. Parental mismanagement happens more often than you think. It’s really sad when parents are a child’s first line of defense against the countless dick moves this world could throw at an eggling.

Me and my husband browse the personal finance subreddits a lot and this topic pops up more than occasionally and it’s always very angering.

Fun fact: I am a colossal fan of Gordon Ramsay. He is…a sharp Scottish shar-pei looking dreamboat. I don’t care too much about ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ but ‘Kitchen Nightmare’ is one of my all-time food-related shows. ‘Hotel Hell’ is pretty good too.

There was an episode called “The Burger Kitchen” from Kitchen Nightmare and it’s backstory just blows me away every time I re-watch it. I’ll attach the video below at the part of the video clip where everything is explained and you can check it out.

Spoiler: Father stole $250,000 from his son to invest in his own failing restaurant.

The full double feature episodes are on YouTube as well. Bring your moral compass if you want to watch it!