I write about marriage occasionally when I come up with something good while being handcuffed to Mr. Hippo. I proposed this post idea to hubby yesterday morning and he granted a hearty chuckle because he knows it’s so damn true. Our opposite personalities in marriage make us stronger as a couple in life.
Table of Contents
Before We Dig In…
I need everyone to drop the concept of which one is smarter/better.
We’re just different. A different set of skills for two different kinds of people. So simple!
I don’t know why character differences are not celebrated more.
It’s one of the most beautiful, natural features of marrying someone.
Imagine how boring it would be to date someone identical to yourself.
Cool magical things happen when you get to know someone (platonic or otherwise) as long as you keep an open mind and respect their faults, fails, falls and all.
It’s double-y cool when you’re married because you get to live with your best friend forever. We ran out of fresh jokes and stories to tell each other…like 6 months ago…BUT we still giggle at each other’s jokes and stories that we’ve heard tons of times already.
That’s not a bad thing! (Or maybe we’re just boring people.)
I prefer the comfort of glancing at my husband and knowing exactly what he’s saying, thinking, and feeling. We’re at that level of depth that most people don’t grasp with just ordinary people.
It’s a husband and wife thing, it’s a best friend thing, it’s a roommate thing. It a sharing the same bed for life thing. Marriage is fun because you’re bunking up with your best friend and there’s usually tax incentive to spruce up the deal in the meantime too. Sweet!
On the other hand, since you get to know the person so well, it flushes out the striking non-similarities between two people.
Mr. Hippo and I are very, very different people when it comes to decision making, using creativity, and taking action.
That’s just how things are, we filled these pretty typical roles. He’s reserved, analytical, logical and…comes off dry and boring sometimes 😛 I’m creative, silly, and emotional…but I wouldn’t have much confidence if he wasn’t there to protect, spoil, and coddle me.
(Don’t worry guys, I coddle him too.)
Hubby
He is a pretty typical engineer with precision, patience, and logic in his veins. He has amazing attention to detail and a high IQ. When he is met with a crossroads, he takes ample time to carefully analyze his options carefully before making a (usually correct) decision to move forward. He makes for a very good engineer.
On the flip side, there are some things he would be very bad at. He does things by the books at his set of very high standards or he’s going to drag his feet through it. Whenever something new pops up, he freezes because it’s new and newness is scary.
He is a little socially awkward. I mean, he went to UC Berkley. Sociability is not what University of California, Berkley is known for. Plus, he’s self admittedly “not a creative person at all” since he has Aphantasia (difficulty forming mental visual imagery.)
If he can’t decide on anything, instead of being spontaneous, he stares at me like a deer in headlights until I decide for him.
His Interviews at Facebook…
My husband interviewed to work for Facebook twice in his life and he was turned down twice by them during the on-site interview phrase.
The first time, it was because he got lost and just gave up. The second time was a philosophical discord. Facebook has a very different work model which (I can’t recall the exact phrase) is something like “move fast, break things” and like “rock the boat, move the moat”…something corny like that.
Basically, Facebook engineers and developers shouldn’t base themselves on perfection but rather innovation – even if they break stuff all the while doing it!
Does that sound like something my Hippo would do?
No, of course not! Even he knows it. He knew he was not getting past that interview!
He takes ample time to consider his decisions and impact. Depending on who you are and how you think – taking an ample amount of time to try to make something perfect or figure out if it’s accuracy can either be a wise thing or an unwise thing to do.
Me
I’m visual like my painter mother. I can chip together a few words to make a conversation and scribble some letter down so it’s engaging enough. One day, my ideas will either bankrupt me, make me a very rich woman…or why not both!
I’m no perfectionist and I definitely don’t have Aphantasia either. For me, his way is not how I do things personally. That cost of time is high, I don’t do it, especially when my gut is telling me to just GO! I try to reason with my brain first but if it’s an impossible and blinded situation, which a lot of life is, I follow my gut.
If my brain isn’t saying anything and my gut isn’t saying anything then I just toss my hands up in the air and LEEEEERRRRREEEEEEROY JENKINSSSSS into whatever it is and hope for the best. That’s why it’s also better for everyone to keep me away from a car steering wheel.
I don’t have much evidence that my method is good but I should have, logically, gotten into SO MUCH more trouble in life.
But I’m not! Now you’re sitting here reading me. Whoopie!
Skipping Town…
Disclaimer: I don’t really recommend anyone taking my quirk as advice.
I have a tendency to make…ginormous life decision on the fly.
On. The. Fly.
Yes, planning is important. But I also know that life happens, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have a plan!
Just off the top of my head…college, major, houses x2, dating, moving, marriage, writing posts last minute…a lot of big things…I wing.
It took me 2 days to decided and buy our house. It took my other friends over 2 months and my other friend over a year! (Her agent threatened to stop touring her if she didn’t start buying hahaha.)
Before I moved in with Hippo in Seattle, I was still living – dating – and working in San Francisco. I’m not much for the “2-week” notice procedure.
I didn’t tell my mom I was moving out of the state until…AS I was leaving. Literally! ? I told her on my way out because I had to cross the living room/kitchen to the front door.
My Mom didn’t know anything about anything regarding my life (not that I had one.) It’s my fault we’re not close. I forgot my Chinese and they don’t speak English. Plus, I’m full of secrets! Didya notice?
I just told her “I’m going to Seattle” and she stared at me with her eyes widen as I walked out with 2 of my bags. I think she thought I was going for work or just for a few days with Valerie to sightsee.
2 months later she called me after she hunted down Val for an update about me. Valerie had made her worried because she is a crappy liar – which is not a feature you want in an alibi.
Anyway, she was like “Wait….are you coming BACK?” and I said “Nah” and politely hung up the phone.
Disclaimer again: Don’t do that. Keep your family and friends informed. Understand that they probably have more experience than you.
You know how people say you should have a diversified portfolio?
Well, we have a diversified set of skills and personalities. Hubby “bakes the cakes” and I can “whip up a mean steak.”
Besides the fact that we can diversify ourselves to make a full delicious meal (I do the main course and he handles desserts.) We can explore and assist each other in our skill set.
For example, since he is good with precision and patience so I depend on him to cut the vegetables – a chore that is an absolute nightmare for impatient ole’ me.
Hubby has aphantasia and shaky hands whereas I’m pretty girly with surgeon-steady hands so I end up doing the piping work on his baked goods.
Being a perfectionist that he is, he simply doesn’t try to pipe anything. He thinks it’s not going to be perfect…so why try…and that is why his cake piping looks like pink yarn ->
(I said I was girly, these are photos of our old bakes and I…guess I decided to deck it out in pink heart and sparkles for some reason…)
Conclusion
Despite our individual oddities, I think our combination is fairly common in a couple. You have one spouse that’s more analytical and then the opposite partner who is more creative and spirited on the other end of the spectrum.
It’s highlighted every day in how we carry out our decisions as a couple! Even though we are opposites in some core personalities traits, we finish each other and cover for our individual flaws. He lets me know when I’m being reckless and I let him know when he’s being paranoid/overthinking.
That’s why we both believe we’re a good match up with each other. It’s amazing how two people can be so close yet be so different. That’s because even though we’re different, some days it’s funny, some days it’s annoying, we know we are each other’s other half.
Petite rant: I don’t know why people these days think so combatively. We’re constantly trying to level which one is better/worst/rewarded/punished over the other. In a real adult relationship, there’s no better or worst. You’re not here to fight the person. A relationship is about being equal, loving, and sharing wins and losses together. If that’s not the environment that’s being created and no one is dropping their ego, then how would you succeed in letting each other in?
What quirky ways do you differ from your spouse or partner? Do you think personality differences help make the relationship stronger or create more turbulence? What is something your partner is good/bad at that you are not?
It is refreshing to see a marriage work the way it is meant to. You are very lucky to have found a complimentary partner that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts. My first experience with marriage was not so rosy (it was an arranged marriage and put me in the worst financial and emotional state I have ever been in. Even extricating myself from said marriage was painful (I am about to have an upcoming post in it next week as as my biggest financial mistake I have ever made). I was so traumatized by the experience that it took 2 years before I even wanted to consider dating again. Finally found someone that is the ying to my yang (and no I would never do the arranged marriage route again this was my personal choice to enter the relationship) and now it feels so special that there are distinct plans to get married when this would have been unthinkable in my immediate post divorce state.
Oh wow, an arranged marriage? Did you know about them/seen them before marriage or was it totally blind? I’m happy you found your happy ending and got back out there!
Sounds like you two are a great match for each other in a ying/yang kind of way. I’m much more like your husband – pragmatic and analytical. I wish I could sometimes be more like you and just make a decision faster and go with things, that life seems so…. free. I often suffer from “analysis paralysis”. I’ll look at the clock and say “you idiot, you’ve been reading reviews on which $15 option of this thing to buy on Amazon for an hour now – it’s only friggin $15!”
Haha I figured as much! You write much better than my Hippo though.
Aw, I love this post! I think I am more like you, I make really big decisions without thinking. It’s so bad. I’m a huge believer in going with my gut feeling. But at the same time, I used to be an accountant which requires precision and all that crap. I guess that’s why I didn’t make a very good accountant!
Hubby always jokes he would be an excellent accountant and tax guy, I believe it. I find that stuff like a horse tranquilizer.
Aww this post is so sweet! Jared is one lucky man 😉
It’s great to see how your personalities complement each other. But I think there’s a common ground for both of you: financial responsibility (i.e. frugality), dedication, care, and simplicity.
Mr. FAF and I also have very different personalities. He’s patient, and I’m inpatient. He’s level-headed, and I get anxious and stressed out easily. He’s carefree, and I’m always worried. But both of us are honest, frugal, and responsible individuals who like planning ahead. I think those are the qualities that bond us together and balance out the differences. 😀
Yeah, our big cores are the same especially finances. It makes everything so much easier. We’re very simple people too. You and Mr. FAF are a great matchup for each other. And you two have been through a lot!
Good stuff, Lily! I love the yarn cake. This is exactly how mine would turn out. Did you know Ms. DS has made wedding cakes in the past? We even transported one 2.5 hours away in the summer. That was a big mistake. Turned out well though! 🙂
I’m much more comfortable in front of the grill with a couple of steaks on!
Haha me too. Grilling is in my blood 🙂
that’s how we roll, ms. lily. i’m the meat guy and the lovely and talented mrs. smidlap handles anything green or sweet. otherwise we would never have a vegetable on a plate. we have one of those sous vide setups and it’s life changing.
Hahaha I can relate Freddy!
Nice, getting to know you guys better with every post!
My wife constantly stops me in the middle of my stories/jokes and says, “yeah, you’ve told me that one before” . and then we both laugh LOL.. It’s so cool sharing your life with someone, being exactly the same would be boring.
I’m the analytical one, my wife is the creative free spirit. It’s not the perfect relationship, but it works for us!
I knew this was common! Opposites attract 🙂 I can tell which joke he’s going to repeat before he even says it.
Very nice post, Lily! I think a marriage can work really well even with two very different personalities. I’m much less social than my girlfriend. Things like that should not matter too much. There is always a way to make things work.
It doesn’t matter nope! I read personality differences doesn’t hurt. It’s more like money and life plans etc.
“Marriage is fun because you’re bunking up with your best friend and there’s usually tax incentive to spruce up the deal in the meantime too. ” LOL, this should be on a Hallmark card!
I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but we are very different as well, and it works for us. We’ve been together forever, so now we really know and understand how the other one works and thinks. Early on, there was some tension. I have a very accurate sense of time and live by the clock, Mr. Sweetspot sees time as “wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff”. But we managed to work around that, and it’s less of an issue now.
Hahaha hooray I’m Hallmark-worthy xD Yes the key is to work at things!
I’ve never really given a lot of thought as to which of us is the free spirit and which is the analytical one, perhaps because my wife and I are a bit more alike. We’re both a bit more on the analytical side, but we can each rely on the other to say when it’s time to make a decision already. I think differences in a couple can definitely make the relationship stronger, but they can also cause more turbulence. It’s important for each person to be open-minded and accepting of the differences. I’m glad you’ve found the right partner and can celebrate your differences!
Thank you Gary! I agree, an open mind is what’s the most important factor 🙂
This is adorable. Yes I believe personality differences make a relationship stronger. A yin to a yang. Complementary forces.
Our personalities are quite different. I am more extroverted, adventurous, laidback, positive, and happy-go-lucky. She is more introverted, a lot more disciplined and organized, and is more steadfast with admirable grit and determination.
We trust each other and keep each other in check. Luckily we are both sensitive, empathetic, kind, and considerate 🙂
Awww what a lovely description!! You come off more extroverted for sure!
Cute and super insightful 🙂
Nah we’re both idiots 😛 😉
But who takes the cake? 🙂 Ha. Mr. ThreeYear and I are very different. But also a lot the same. It’s so fun being married to not-you. Because it takes years to figure them out and that’s part of the fun.
Lol oh hunny I always take the cake!!!
Hi Lily,
My wife and I are more alike than different. After 20 years married plus 4 dating we are more alike now than 25 years ago. We are both shaded to the analytical side. However, I really appreciate her perspective on things. It’s is easy for me to get wrapped up in my own little world and she let’s me out from time to time. Tom
Dawww so cute Tom! 25 years is a BIG milestone to be with someone. Congrats!
Awesome post Lily lol!
My GF and I are totally different in some ways too, she is a Reddit poster…I’m a Reddist Lurker. She’s emotionally driven more than me for sure – I’m an engineer too lol!
Knewwwwwww it! You’re actually pretty social for an engineer!!
Lily sounds very impulsive. My dad is like that and he creates a lot of turbulence wherever he goes. That’s why it’s good that he live in Thailand and we live here. Less headache for us. Anyway, Lily probably is a bit better and doesn’t cause too much headache for her family.
My wife and I are more similar than different. It makes for a smoother marriage. We rarely fight and life is easier that way. We’re good at different things and we complement each other.
I think having opposite personalities makes for a more difficult marriage. There are more frictions. Just my opinion. I’m sure you can make it work.
Oh I make fair turbulence at home. I squeak and squeal for attention when Jared’s working haha. I think I’ll mellow out as I get older and then we’ll be both similar just like you and Mrs. RB40.
? This gave me a good laugh, LEEERRROY!!! (But did you actually play too? ? That’s the real question)
Play to your strengths. That is all.
I watched my high school friends play a crap ton on their PCs but I didn’t have equipment at home to play myself. Leeeeeeeeroy!!! LOL
I agree with Joe, Lily you sound impulsive ahah but I am impulsive too. My husband and I are pretty similar but he is definitely more logical. Sometimes when we get into tiffs, I say “STOP BEING MR. ROBOTO PLEAASEEEEEEEE!”
I’m also annoying!! Don’t forget! I call him a robot too, except he’s clumsily like a human. He spilled soy sauce on me today and dropped a large pork bone in my drinking water. He’s like a half-broken robot!!
My husband and I are SO different. We joke that it’s good we found ourselves ahead of online dating because we would never have matched up together. Except for maybe Tinder 😉
Ooh, saucey! I tell my husband had we went to high school together – I would have picked on him.